No Excuse for Left Handed People By Grouchy Tallahassee
For the past few years, I have taken part in experiments to know what it is like to be disabled.
The first time I did it, I had to be in a wheelchair all day to know what it is like to be crippled. I did it no problem. Once I get to my desk everyday, I never leave my office chair. It's on wheels. I just roll around the office to the bathroom, out the door for my smoke break. So being confined to a wheelchair was not hard for me at all.
I did deaf. Although I could still hear through those pathetic ear plugs they gave me. I just didn't tell them. But it was nice, because I had an excuse to ignore everyone's nagging. My boss could not give me a task that day. I would just shrug my shoulders and say "Can't hear ya, I'm deaf."
I did blind last year. I had to put on a very tight blindfold when I awoke that morning. It was dark. I stayed in bed. I called blind into work. Dialing the numbers was difficult but I eventually got it after about 6 tries. The darkness made me think it was night. I went back to bed. Slept all day until it was time to take the blindfold off. Being Blind for a Day. Check. ... oh, by the way, I don't care what Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder says - being blind does not give you the ability to play the piano. It's a myth that I busted.
So this year, I was scraping the bottom of the barrel for disabilities to try out. I decided to go ahead and get Left Handedness out of the way. How hard could it be?
I had to shave. Cut myself 3 times and looks like crap. Brushed my teeth with my left hand and I just could not get all the spots I needed to get. No wonder left handed people are so slovenly unshaved and have bad breath and nasty teeth. This is when I realized this is going to be the biggest challenge of my life.
I had to take a dump. I had to wipe with my left hand. Nasty. I could not do it. There was crap on my hand and still on my arse. Dingleberries. If you don't know what dingleberries are, they are the little balls of poop raveled up in your butt hair. Most commonly found on dogs.
But I am not here to teach you about dingleberries. Only that you should not eat them. They are not fruit. I am here to tell you about why Left Handed People smell like crap. They can't help it.
I tried being Left Handed for several more hours but then gave up. It is too difficult. This disability is the first one I could not handle.
Left Handed People are being punished here on earth for the murder of their sibling. Don't roll your eyes at me. Google It.
People do not "become" left handed. They are born with this disability. There is only one reason someone is born left handed. It is because they were conceived as a twin.
Your twin is the mirror image of yourself. When twins are born, their hair parts are on the opposite sides of their heads and one is always left handed, thus the opposite of the right handed one.
So if someone is born left handed and is not a twin, it means that inside the womb (very early on) they starved their twin of needed nutrients from the placenta. Causing it to die of malnourishment.
In fact, Right Handed People could have starved their twin also. But in this case, there is no proof. But if someone is left handed, it is clear they murdered their twin in the womb.
The court system cannot hold a fetus libel for such a heinous crime (yet) because the court system doesn't even recognize a little bean in a womb as a human (yet). But, the left handed person is punished in another way: Having to live life left handed.
This is how we got the term "Handicap", it used to be called "Left Handicap" but through time, the phrase got shortened for convenience.
I know what you are saying: But Grouchy, We need to find a cure for Left Handed People. It is not fair that they have to be treated so inferior. I know they are murderers, but get over it. They didn't know what they were doing in the womb. Why should they live their life shunned by Right Handed People? Waah Waah Boo Hoo. Look at me, a Bleeding Heart Liberal sticking up for left handers.
Phooey! Did you know that there are people that were born left handed but use their right hand to trick us into thinking they are normal. There should be a list. And they should put it on the internet. They should not be allowed with 1500 feet of wombs. Their left handedness might be contagious.
And before you go writing me comments on here, just know that I don't even read them. I don't care what you have to say. I'm right. You're wrong. Period.
And if you are left handed and you are writing to me, please turn yourself in to the nearest authority. It's the right thing to do.
Sincerely,
Grouchy
